Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Bum Heaven

Sorry I haven't written since Cincinnati. It's not that I've been swamped, but really I have had nothing interesting to write about! I guess the most unusual thing that has happened in the last couple of weeks is my boyfriend almost getting jumped by a bum! We were walking downtown, minding our own business when a homeless man with two pitbulls walks past us. As soon as he passes us, he starts muttering in a really vulgar tone, "don't even think about saying what you're thinking, MAN!" And I was a little confused since Steve didn't look at the bum, or say a word to him (which is actually rare). So Steve turns around, bewildered as well, and yells "What did you say?" and the bum yells, "You heard me you son of a bitch!" And Steve yells back, "F*** YOU!"

While this is happening, both parties are still walking slowly backwards away from each other, so at this point we are probably 50 feet from the guy and as soon as Steve yells what he did, the bum rips off his backpack (all I remember is his huge beer belly jiggling), and he starts to come towards us, threatening, "OH YA?! COME ON OVER HERE AND I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!" So of course Steve is getting all riled up and says, "You should shut your mouth!" and now the bum is REALLY angry and again makes a move towards us. I start freaking out, pulling on Steve's arm saying SHUT UP and LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE! Because there's no way that worthless blob could catch us if we just book it. But, of course we realize there are two pitbulls eyeing our every move.

The bum tells Steve that he should either shut HIS mouth or come over there and fight it out. Finally, Steve gives up on this loser and says "You're right, I'll shut MY mouth. Now, get out of here!" So the bum stares us down while we walk away, and I keep looking over my shoulder to make sure he doesn't let those dogs loose on us. It was so scary!

My advice: stay away from bums, especially ones with pitbulls - you won't ever win a fight.

And one question: why aren't people in this town concerned over the vast homeless population covering the town? Everyone here cares too much about buildings being shorter than three stories, or that the quaint feel of the town will be disrupted if a Target moves in, or that there are no drive-thrus because we all know drive-thrus make cities look "ugly" right? Well, I think drive-thrus are awesome because you don't have to get out of your car if you just want a quick bev! I also think Target is the best store on the planet, and I would be more willing to pay $900 in rent to live here if we had one. And tall buildings are cool and give the small town a more metro, invigorating feel. BUT, more importantly, I feel that the homeless situation in this town is out of control. If they want such a perfect, pretty little town, build more shelters, hire police to patrol violent bums, don't allow 16 year old runaways to loiter in front of your business with their mangy dogs. This is not France - you can't mask the stench of homelessness with perfume and flowers.


  1. Found your site from dooce's - just wanted to say hi!

  2. Just found your blog while browsing...and I noticed we have a lot in common. I often write about my love affair with Target AND I hate homeless people. Sisters from another mister?? I should say so.

  3. Ummm, mutual enjoyment of cooking...mutual dislike for bums...mutual affair with Target.

    I'm so glad we found each other.

    Do you also tell your husband to talk about how pretty you are?? Or is that just me being needy and vain?? :)


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