Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I HATE the Dentist!

I am NEVER going to the dentist again. Today I got my first cavity filled, and it was the worst experience of my entire life. I'm not even kidding. First of all, I've never had this done before, so I expected a little more explanation of what was going to happen, but all I got was a big needle stuck in the back of my mouth. Lovely. It was the most painful thing I have ever felt. So, the dentist leaves the room saying it will take a few minutes to kick in. Thirty seconds later, I break into a sweat, get dizzy, and my left eye goes blurry. The next thing I know, I am slouched down in the chair trying to regain consciousness before the dentist comes back. I wipe off my brow, and pretend to read a magazine. He comes in to see if I am numb enough, and as luck would have it, I am not. He sticks the needle back in my mouth for round two, and oww! Asshole. This time I don't pass out, but now my entire face is numb, I want to cry, and the assistant is trying to talk to me, but all I want to say is shut the hell up. The dentist comes back a few minutes later, finally ready to invade my mouth with his drill. This scares me. As he is drilling, I start to taste the smoke and pieces of who-knows-what, and it hurts!!! I squirm, moan, and wince, and he notices and stops what he is doing. He looks up at his assistant, scolding her, "I thought you said she was numb!!!" - like its her fault he's an asshole. So, he takes out all four of his power tools and proceeds to give me a third shot. Are you kidding me?! Okay, so we're back in the mouth now to finish up the job, and all I want to do is yell, hurry the fuck up! Get your metal out of my pretty mouth! And the sound. The sound was excruciating! It scared me shitless! It was almost worst than the pain! I kept listening to the screeching and imagining what it would feel like if I weren't numb. The sound was going to hurt me! So he keeps poking, drilling, cleaning, smoothing, sanding, more drilling, sucking, poking, heating, poking, almost done! Liar! Ten minutes later he is finally finished and all he can say is, "that was a bad one. You better not eat until that numbness goes away, probably three hours." What a dick. Excuse me, but next time could you please be a little bit nicer? Do me a favor and try to inject enough novocaine the FIRST time. Tell me I'm going to be alright while you are welding away at my teeth. And, for the love of God, NEVER tell a girl she isn't allowed to eat. Fucker! So, now its three hours later and I am STARVING. My cheek is numb, my chin is numb, and I can't feel half of my tongue. I tried having some water, but it just dribbled down my chin, like I'm a freaking geriatric. Nice. Real nice. As for all my friends who said it wouldn't hurt...screw you. Next time I say I need someone to hold my hand at the dentist's office, I mean it! When I get my teeth cleaned, I'm dragging someone's ass down there to hold my hand. Don't think I'm joking. Rachel-I know you empathize with me-I'm right here with you girl...I'll hold your hand any time you need it...and I'll blot your tears. For everyone else out there, brush your teeth! Now! Go do it! Hurry! I wouldn't wish this upon my most hated enemies.

Now, get me some food damnit.

And a margarita.

4 comments:

  1. You are hilarious Jaim. Sorry about your bad experience. My first cavity-filling experience was almost the exact same thing. Except he didn't give me more novicaine!! Just kept drilling! Oh ya, that hurt.

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  2. You should go to a woman dentist. Any time there is a male-dominated profession, the women have to be better at it to succeed. There is a dentists office on Johnson and Marsh that has two women dentists that work there. Even better, one of them is fucking hot.

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  3. Rachel2:06 PM

    I had 6 shots once. Thats the most they can give you. Also, I tried really hard to warn you but you didn't want to hear it. You must realize that I only want to help you Jaim. I also want to drink margaritas with you and hold your hand the next time you need dental work done.

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  4. Ohmygod...the grossest is the tooth dust that fills your mouth as they shave away at the cavity...ohmygod...just thinking about the taste and smell and texture of that makes me nauseous...I hope you never, ever have to get a filling again.

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